“I have told you these things, so that in me you may have peace. In this world you will
have trouble. But take heart! I have overcome the world. ”John 16:33
Consider it pure joy, my brothers and sisters, [ a ] whenever you face trials of many kinds, because you know that the testing of your faith produces perseverance. Let perseverance finish its work so that you may be mature and complete, not lacking anything. James 1:2-4
There were days when I pressed my hair to my head to try to imagine what I would
look like without hair, I hid in the bathroom with a scarf and put it on to try to visualize
myself. But, after a few days I decided not to stay and cry about this.
After having processed a little, I began to make decisions. I was looking for ideas of cuts that I wanted to try before saying goodbye to my curls completely. I decided to try two different cuts and gradually that helped me begin to see myself without so much hair, because I did have hair abundantly, that made me think that would be the difficult part; being so hairy and suddenly not having a single hair on my head!
The struggle of thoughts appeared all the time. Suddenly I was seeing haircuts that I liked and I found myself repeating to myself: "it doesn´t matter, it´s still going to fall" in the end I took over the thought that I would try some style that I had never decided on before, for fear of regretting it. It was the perfect time to take a risk and try something new and enjoy it.
In my mind, my fight was against the memories of my mother´s cancer, everything was happening in my memory once again, and although a part of me knew that nothing would be identical, I was fighting against that movie that scared me.
My mom decided not to touch her hair; She had it short and by the end of the second week, her hair was on her shoulders, on her back, on her pillow, on her bed, on her clothes, everywhere. It fell out little by little, she didn´t want to touch it much, hoping it wouldn´t fall out; she didn´t wash her hair that week. At the end of a few days she was fed up with the itching and totally desperate, so she washed it. The impact was hard, since by that time, the hair, having not been removed, was actually just ready to fall out all at once. (My husband joined this cause this day, and to this day he remains hairless by his own decision) which encouraged my mother at that moment.
She fought the battle and keeps adding days and gray hairs to her head,
6 years after cancer. We celebrate his life today!
The glory of young men is their strength, gray hair the splendor of the old. Proverbs 20:29
The reality is that none of us want to come face to face with the idea of losing our hair. A part of us holds the hope and the possibility that for some reason it doesn't fall, that the doctor was wrong and that God will perform the miracle. This is denial, and it is a natural psychological mechanism of the human being when faced with news through which we have been walking since the day this begins.
In another post I talked about why some Chemotherapy treatments cause hair loss. Read it here
So, I cut my hair. The first cut was the second week after my first dose of chemotherapy, and the second before the end of the third week.
First cut
Second Cut.
My painful face was because I have very sensitive skin, I had heard that there was some sensitivity on the scalp before I shed my hair, I started to feel it in the second week, it wasn´t really that bad, until each hair was like a fine needle stinging my scalp.
I´ve talked to a few women, and no one has had the same experience. It was not a common side effect. So it probably doesn´t happen to everyone the same way. I had to cut it! It was urgent, I couldn´t stand it anymore. I think this was a decision I should have made sooner, but I wanted to take advantage of as much time as possible and preserve it. I definitely regretted it. Afterwards it was impossible to use the razor machine; I couldn´t even touch my head, wash it or put it on the pillow. So every day I took on the task of removing a few pieces of hair with my fingers. As the days went by, the sensitivity decreased and then I helped myself with wet towels, which worked very well, the hair stayed there and very soon I was almost completely without any hair. and finally I was able to rest.
When I go through these memories I can only think about how happy I was to not have hair! I never imagined I would say it hahaha And I didn´t feel that bad. I kind of liked the way my head looked, I think I was very happy to not have more hair on my head torturing me.
Regarding the Psychological impact; That one took a little longer. Sometimes I found myself struggling not to look out the window, I didn´t want people to see me, I hid in my own neighborhood. I was locked up! Little by little I got over that part and then I didn´t really care anymore. I wanted to fight, and I wanted to get out, and I wanted to go against everything that kept me mired in the negative things of this process. I decided to get ahead, enjoy life, and I began to continue my life as normal as possible.
By my own decision I did not use scarves although I tried, the heat was exasperating, I did not order wigs either. And finally one day I no longer cared about showing my
white hairy head.
I am in my second stage of Chemotherapy treatment where I lost my hair for the second time (it is not like that for everyone) and I decided to shave it before, I did not suffer and on top of that the hair did not fall out all this time, but I do not regret having done so. I wasn´t as sensitive as I was at the beginning, of course there was a change in medications, but every time I washed it, it was more difficult for me to finish the shower, it was always falling off, I couldn´t get it off my body, not on my hands, not on the towel. In the end it was always a problem.
I ended up thinking that it made sense that a cancer patient wouldn´t have to worry about washing and taking care of their hair. At first I thought this was a more difficult problem for women, but that is not the case, men also suffer the impact of this temporary side effect in the same way.
I remember that it will grow back! Although from experience I know that being told that sometimes doesn´t help much, there comes a time when it will be overcome. Today we move forward, now I have been through chemotherapy for 6 months, my hair continues to grow, my eyebrows and eyelashes have also fallen a little, but not completely. With this I am trying to say that hair in general is going to fall out, but not all at once. And the one which should fall doesn´t fall so easily, my legs didn´t want to join the team until this month Can Imagine?¡ .
This was my experience, I am sure that each person has their own story, this is not something that happens in the same way for everyone; but, it is overcome. We continue here fighting with hope in Jesus towards a future without cancer.
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